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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507416">all my loving (i will send to you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemwrld/pseuds/jaemwrld'>jaemwrld</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Engagement, Goodbyes, He doesn't come back, Jeno goes to war, Love Letters, M/M, Sad, last letter, this made me sad to write, very sad, wartime alternate universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:08:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,549</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507416</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemwrld/pseuds/jaemwrld</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>there wasn’t a single thing jaemin wouldn’t do for jeno, he’d even die for him, but that’s not what jeno would have wanted. jaemin would keep living day by day, alone, he would do it for jeno. that was one thing that would never change. he would always be jeno’s and he would always stay true to his love. </p><p>alternatively, na jaemin waits for his lover, lee jeno, to return from the war. jeno never does.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>all my loving (i will send to you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjhs/gifts">jjhs</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i would like to dedicate this to liv, my rock, my soulmate, my inspiration for writing. thank you for being the best. i would walk to the ends of the earth for you, then repeat. i love you always.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>jaemin had been making himself lunch when he heard three concise knocks on the front door. something about it felt off, perhaps it was the fact that no one really ever came to visit the house, or maybe it was the fact that he hadn’t received a letter from jeno for weeks. deep down, jaemin knew that something was wrong; the absence of letters from jeno sat in the back of his mind like cobwebs. he had played a thousand different scenarios in his head as a way to ease the tension in his heart. maybe things had gotten really busy? maybe there just wasn’t enough time in the day to write long winded love letters to send home? maybe as punishment, the sergeant cut off letters to home because it had become a distraction? whatever it was, jaemin came up with every excuse to stop himself from believing the unthinkable.</p><p>“mister na? please open the door, we have important news concerning lee jeno” he felt his heart stop.</p><p>with shaky hands, jaemin ran to the door and opened it slowly.</p><p>in front of him stood four government officials, all with somber faces, and a hint of pity in their eyes. jaemin <em>knew</em>. he knew why they were there, what business they had, why they looked morose. he knew, he knew for the last two weeks what had happened.</p><p>“mister na, it is our regret to inform you that your guardian, lee jeno, has passed away on june 17, 1951.”</p><p>jaemin couldn’t hear anything from that point on. all of the words coming out of the official’s mouth, he couldn’t hear a word. all he could hear is jeno’s sweet voice in his head saying that everything would be alright.</p><p>“jeno sacrificed his life for his comrade. he jumped in front of a bullet to save a life.”</p><p>jaemin always knew jeno was too kind for his own good. the day jeno had told him that he was enlisting for the war, he knew. “jaemin they need me! i need to be there, and i’ll be okay! i can promise you at least that”, jeno’s words played in his mind over and over again.</p><p>the thing is, promises like these weren’t made to be kept, they were made to be broken. they were made to delay the worst in its arrival. someone like jeno wasn’t made for the war. jaemin’s sweet, innocent, kind, loving jeno. he wasn’t made for the brutality and violence found in a war. so, jaemin did everything in his power to stop jeno from going, from signing his life away so willingly, but jeno was just too stubborn. when he set his mind to something he wouldnt stop until he felt he had accomplished his goal.</p><p>“mister na? are you listening?”, someone spoke, interrupting his racing thoughts.</p><p>jaemin looked up, a tear hitting his hand. it felt cold. never in a million years did jaemin think he’d have to feel a sadness so painful, a cut in his heart so deep. his engagement ring glimmered in the light, mocking him. it reminded jaemin of everything he <em>almost</em> had, the life he <em>almost</em> had with jeno. jaemin stood in the house he would have spent the rest of his days in with jeno, but with a ghost of his lover.</p><p>“sir we have some of jeno’s belongings to return to you, in addition to a letter adressed to you. once again, you have our condolences and jeno will always be remembered. he was a hero in his unit.”, the words stung, jaemin had never felt so broken by news like this.</p><p>he grabbed the letter and the bag of jeno’s things the officials had brought before shutting the door. jaemin felt his legs give out as he let out a cry so loud it could shatter glass. all of the heartbreak hit him at once, jaemin cried and shouted and sobbed until his voice was raw and his throat sore. he didn’t care if the neighbors heard, really, he didn’t care about anything else but jeno.</p><p>it took jaemin <em>hours</em> to gain some type of composure to open the letter and look through jeno’s belongings. he started with the bag: in it was clothes, pictures of him and jeno, as well as some small things like a journal, a couple of pens, and his engagement ring. it wasn’t much, but it was jeno. jaemin sifted through the pictures and memories, each one hitting him harder than the next.</p><p>it took another two frigid hours of jaemin crying on his bathroom floor before he could even open the letter. it was lengthy, much more than their past letters to each other. most likely because jeno sensed that something was going to go wrong.</p><p>“hello my love, i hope you never ever have to find this letter in you hands, but if you do, i apologize. i am assuming that if you are reading this, i have died, or something awful has happened to me. i am writing to you because i just can’t seem to shake the bad feeling that i have in my chest. i don’t really know what it is, but it feels so scary, jaem. i’m trying my hardest to be brave for you, i know you would tell me that it’s okay to not be brave like you always do, but i won’t go down as a coward. not like this.

 i want you to know that if, if worse comes to worst, nothing is your fault. please don’t ever blame yourself. i know you did your best, tried your hardest to stop me from enlisting. i don’t ever want you to think this is your fault. this was my decision and you had no way of preventing anything. i love you for always supporting me. 

and if i somehow don’t make it back to you, to home, i don’t want you to stop living. carry on, baby. if you fall in love with another person please don’t stop it. travel the world, go see all of the places we planned to go to. i know it’s crazy to be hearing something like this from your fiancé, but na jaemin, all i’ve ever wanted is your happiness. i don’t want that to change because life will keep going and the world will keep turning. i want you to keep doing the things you love, keep chasing your dreams, keep being you, i will always be there to see you thrive, even if not physically. 

wow. i didn’t want this to feel like such a heavy goodbye but it does. i was hoping for more of a ‘see you later’ but this is the hardest goodbye i’ve ever had to say. oh no! i’m crying onto the paper.... i hope the ink doesnt get smudged. 

anyways, na jaemin, i wanted to write about all of the things that made me fall in love with you. you are so incredible and i truly cannot imagine what my life would be like without you. i know you aren’t a big fan of cliches but jaem, you have changed me for the better and i will never ever forget that. since day one, i knew you were the one for me. there was something different about you. your smile, your spirit, your humor, your warmth. i knew that i would never find someone as great. you are so unapologetically you and i love that. it’s crazy to think that i might have been the luckiest man alive in a few months. i know it wasn’t going be the wedding you’ve always dreamed of because we can’t legally be married, but i know it would have been unforgettable. i would have gotten to live with the most beautiful person in the world till i was old and wrinkly. i wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

lastly, i wanted to thank you for making these past few years the best ones. you have taught me so many different things about life and love. i’d like to believe that fate has brought us together because i just can’t picture me without you. ever. this isn’t the end of us, na. i will love you in every lifetime after this, i will fall in love with you all over again, in every lifetime after this. i can’t wait to do it all again, love. i send all my loving to you. goodbye, jaemin.”</p><p>yours truly,</p><p>lee jeno (forever and always.)</p><p>and that was it. jaemin’s one and only, gone, just like that. he could have sworn that the world had just collapsed around him because nothing felt real anymore. nothing would be the same without lee jeno, the brightest star in every galaxy. the pain in his heart felt incomprehensible, like the air he was breathing suddenly turned to poison. it was like his heart was lit on fire, everything <em>burned</em>. there wasn’t a single thing jaemin wouldn’t do for jeno, he’d even die for him, but that’s not what jeno would have wanted. jaemin would keep living day by day, alone, he would do it for jeno. that was one thing that would never change. he would always be jeno’s and he would always stay true to his love.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is my first fic!! it's not very long but i am very excited to put this out... also very scared but i hope you enjoy this nonetheless!<br/>leave me anything in the comments and thank you for your support.</p><p>yours truly,</p><p>em &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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